Hmmmnnnnn...

Our dog is sleeping as I prepare to type this and as I press keys he barely opens his eyelids to check on me and the noise. I think, get over it, it's not that loud. HE is in HIS favorite chair, which is the unoccupied one. I often call him Dog but his Christian name is Tuffie.

I heard that an older dog has an 80 word vocabulary but he has not said one word to me in nine years. He has issues. Now he is snoring, so all is well, until I move. Humph.

I have been retired from the normal (did I just say NORMAL?) work force and losing contact with certain changes. For example, when I was working and a person called with a question, we answered the question and on a good day, they went away. Recently, I called my dentist office to get an appointment for a tooth and:

• the person asked, Which tooth? and
• I replied, The one in my mouth.
• person: Is it #18?
• me: I didn't count.
• person: Is it upper or lower?
• me: Wouldn't the dentist be able to figure that out?
• person: Yes sir, I'm just trying to help.
• me: Greaaaaat, give me an appointment.

Now MY understanding of help would have been to promptly assign me a day and time without all the extra questions. I thought, Get over it Ware, it is only one place.

NOPE, There are others!

I called our vet to discover a method for putting pills in our dog's mouth without putting our fingers in.

• Hello, this is your friendly, helpful person (FHP).
• me: Hi, can you or anyone there explain a method of safely putting pills in our dog's mouth?
• FHP: Which pill?
• me: Which pill? (Wife hears and says, All of them), so I reply, All of them.
• FHP: How are you doing it now?
• me: (in my head, Is this a contest?). We try direct, or in food, etc.
• FHP: What kind of food?
• Me: Fried chicken, brownies, Quail, what difference is it. He detects the pill and spits it out.
• FHP: I'm just trying to be helpful, Sir.
• ME: Then put another person on the line, P.L.E.A.S.E.
• another FHP (AFHP) : Hello, may I help you.
• me: Same question.
• AFHP: Which pill? Your pet should have finished all prescribed medication.
• me: Any pill, all pills and yes he did. Same question, one again.
• AFHP: Why does he need a pill?
• me: I am filling in a crossword puzzle and need to know -The Same Question. If you don't know or if the answer is illegal, immoral or unethical, just tell me and I am good with your answer.
• AFHP: TENSE now, Sir, the item is called a Pill Popper. We carry them and any pet store.
• me: calmly, Thank you. I hang up.

My wife had been contemplating how to keep me from going to said vet and getting said item. I finally agree to go another place; a pet store.

• pet store person (PSP): May I help you?
• me: Yes, thanks. I need a Pill Popper.
• PSP: Total BLANK stare, tells me she has just entered the Matrix and not been programmed yet.
• me: (in my mind, I cannot believe this is happening to me. Have I sinned so Great a sin, God, and am being slowly punished?)
• another PSP: It's in the vitamin aisle. AND IT WAS SO. YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Note of interest: the item is officially called a Pill Dispenser. We tried it and apparently you have to push the dispense in until it is in his stomach; otherwise he calmly spits it out and quietly sits there, doing his nails, waiting for our next foolish human attempt.

Certain positions you should never say shocking things to or in public:

• barber: obvious reason
• grocery bag packer

Us, checking out of grocery store and I am standing next to the grocery bag packer (GBP).

• GBP: Did your wife drag you with her today?
• me: no, i just enjoy being with her. that's why we married.
• SHOCK WAVE 20 feet out from center - eyes pointed toward me.
• GBP: No movement, then slowly begins packing.
• me: I know, it seems shocking, but some people enjoy the person they married and like being with them.

End of Story.

Tuffie just woke up, checked on me, rolled onto his back and returned to Dream Land. How do I know he is dreaming? you ask. His legs are moving and he is laughing.

The phone rang, waking Tuff and, now, he is on his back, eye lids open starring at me but I comfort myself by explaining, to him, I have no control over when someone calls; BUT his looks say: you can mute.

Dentist office (DO) called:

• me: hello.
• DO: Is this Mr. W?
• me: Yes, this is me.
• DO: I am confirming your appt.
• me: I will be there.
• DO: Thank you.
• me: Your welcome.

See how easy that was for everyone. I could have used my new experiences to generate a 50 Q&A for the next ten minutes. Not nice.

ONE more comment about the Tuff. He continues to act like he doesn't understand English with her, and with me he doesn't even hear me.

• When I tell Connye I am laying down, Tuff gets up and follows me.
• When I tell him to do or not do, then he only understands Dog.
• I learned some Dog about a year ago and he responds immediately, every time. I love it.

Have a wonderful day!!